FRIDAY, JULY 12, 2002

You're a prolific writer on the Internet with pieces published in Sweet Fancy Moses, Pindeldyboz, Opium, Flak Magazine, and Dezmin. Reveal something about Claire Zulkey's offline life.
There are some who say that Claire Zulkey has no offline life and to them I can’t really say anything because they have a point. But let’s see, I like going out to movies, dinners, drinks, museums, traveling, taking pictures, going to baseball games, Second City writing classes, reading, spending time outside, going to concerts, going to the theater, shopping, spending money on silly spa treatments and the prerequisite spending time with friends. And emailing. Oh wait, that’s not offline.

Tell us about your episodic short story. How did you get the idea?
Matt Herlihy gave me the idea for the serial story. I was suffering from really bad writer’s block at the time so I think out of bitterness I wrote about the most prolific writer in the world, who just happens to be completely unpleasant, both personally and physically, and what I would like to happen to him.

What prompted you to start Zulkey.com?
Again, another suggestion by Matt, although I will allow that I had been thinking about it before he brought it up. Ever since my first non-journalism piece published I got a good deal of stuff published online, and I thought it would be a good way to organize it. And of course it turned into a monster that I can’t control. I still screw it up pretty good and frequently.

Speaking of Matt Herlihy, I gave him half a C-note for a hardbound copy of Sweet Fancy Moses, due last spring. But that's neither here nor there. How did you meet him?
Yeah, I'm wondering where the hell that "Sweet Fancy Moses" is as well. I think that this was all just a scam and Matt's escaped to Mexico with the money to live out his dream of tending a bar in Cancun.

Anyway, all paths lead back to one, Mr. Dave Reidy, the editor of Dezmin. Shortly before I graduated from Georgetown, I met with Dave, a friend of a friend of my Dad's at the time, to talk about job opportunities. Dave not only told me about a firm that needed a copywriter, but he also mentioned some sites that he writes/wrote for, such as Dezmin, the Freedonian, Modern Humorist and of course, Sweet Fancy Moses. So I published something on Dezmin and that led me to make the introduction of Matt as well as Todd Zuniga over at Opium Magazine, and then eventually a cast of thousands of talented writers and editors and other fun people.

My favorite interview at Zulkey.com was of your mom. When did you realize that she was a pretty hip lady?
Thank you very much. I’ve always realized that she was a hip lady but we started becoming better friends, I think, after I went to college. That whole thing about absence making the heart grow fonder, plus as I matured we realized that we had more in common. Of course I would be remiss without saying that my Dad and brother are both terrific and interview-worthy, although I have no doubt they’d say that my mom is hipper.

Who tickles your funny bone-- online or off?
Oh geez, I will never remember them all. Off: David Sedaris, Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch. On: Kevin Guilfoile, Jim Ruland, Steve Delahoyde, Shauna McKenna…oh crap, I can never name everybody. Online, though, I really try to email everybody I read who makes me laugh, so they know who they are.

Note: All kinds of goodies can be found by Googling the names of the latter. However, linking them to a Google search query seemed like bad form, even for this maverick journalist. So instead you're stuck reading this tasteful explanation. You're welcome.

Last week, Choizilla got scooped by the folks at Dezmin for the coveted first interview bragging rights. Tell us about an opportunity you missed, and how that lesson molded you into the person that you are today.
You know that I interviewed myself, right? So I guess you can say that you are the first person other than myself to interview me. Hmm. I’m pretty lucky to say that there haven’t been very many opportunities that I’ve missed due to my own misjudgements. But I guess I do regret never putting forth the effort to try to write a book. I know that sounds so cliché for a writer but after I read “The Outsiders,” I decided that I wanted to be a really young author like S.E. Hinton so for the last 10 years I’ve been starting and re-starting and stopping and I wish I had just done it, even if it stunk, to have said I did it, so I guess it kind of hangs over my head.

An opportunity that I missed that wasn’t directly my fault was that I didn’t get this great job that I interviewed for, as a researcher for the Guinness Book of World Records. It’s odd. If I got it, I could be living this completely fabulous life in New York City with a really fun job, but I probably wouldn’t be doing the writing I am now.

I should learn the value of reading carefully. I misread the date, the title, AND the author. The interviewer appologizes for being a complete douche bag.
That's OK, but kudos for using 'douche bag,' possibly one of the funniest terms in the English language. Although it might be French, I have no idea.

You’re a huge White Sox fan and, like your compatriots, clearly know the game. What's your take on living in a town dominated by lifestyle Cubs fans-- at least north of Congress?
Well I don’t want to perpetuate the myth of the bullheaded bitter Sox fan. The Cubs, at least locationally, are easier to get to if you’re on the fence about a team; you’re not likely to hike out to Comiskey, where there aren’t the bars and such around Wrigley. What does make me mad though is that the Sox are so underappreciated (although they are really underachieving at the moment.) They’re a really good team at heart and nobody seems to care. So many people who don’t care about baseball go to Cubs games just for the social atmosphere, and the Sox need and deserve the fans more. Also, it makes me mad when I encounter people from out of town and they just assume that I’m a Cubs fan, like that’s the only team in Chicago. And, one more thing, when Cubs fans say “Sox suck!” That’s just incorrect.

I know next to nothing about baseball. What the hell is the significance of an ERA anyway?
Hmm, I’m not that good at stats and stuff. Basically, as far as I know, without cheating and looking it up, the ERA is a pitcher’s stat, Earned Run Average, and what it is is approximately how many runs he’ll allow in a game on average. So if a pitcher’s ERA is 1 or lower, then he’s very good. Todd Ritchie, a Sox pitcher who stinks right now, has an ERA of about 20, I think. Who knows.

Though I like his music, sometimes I find Elvis Costello to be a bit complicated. If you had to compare his songs to a food, what would it be?
Something with a lot of ingredients, that’s for sure, because you’re right, it’s very complicated. But also, the ingredients would flow together in such as way that it would make perfect sense. And also, it can be very intimidating, but also very comforting. Ethiopian food, perhaps? Although Elvis himself looks more like a cream puff (if you’re reading, Elvis, I mean a sexy cream puff. Seriously.)

You've traveled to some pretty cool places like Egypt and the now-Czech Republic. You also lived for a year in Italy. What brought you back to the Windy City?
Well, I had no choice, for one: I only had one job offer. But even if I had a choice I think I would stay here…I love this city very much and I need to live here on my own for a bit to know what it’s like outside the boundaries of Evanston. It’s just such a wonderful place and part of me feels that it needs more people talking about it, maybe.

Anywhere else you're considering hanging your hat?
I think New York, in the future. Boston, I like too. Washington DC makes sense possibly but I’d prefer someplace newer to me.

It's likely that I'll be hanging my own hat in Washington DC in the next year. Name some things that I must do. Don't forget cheap eats.
Hmm. The pandas at the National Zoo. Ginevra de Benci at the National Gallery. All the monuments. Spending time at Georgetown and going to the Tombs for pitchers of Tombs Ale and Yueng Ling. Exploring Adams Morgan and DuPont circle. Getting a car and driving through gorgeous Virginia. Heading out to Camden Yards for an Orioles game. Taking a date to the gardens of the National Cathedral. Dumbarton Oaks. Cinnamon ice cream at Thomas Sweet’s. The bridges of Rock Creek Park. Looking at all the embassies. A good Congressional tour. Cactus Cantina. And all of the restaurants, of course, they’re all fairly cheap. Oh, and do what I never did: the White House Tour. Tell me how it is, won’t you?

You’ll be the last person to be asked this: How does it feel to be the first person interviewed at Choizilla?
Honored and very happy. I have never been interviewed before and it’s fun, and I’m glad it came from you. You asked good questions and I can’t wait to read future interviews. I’m also nervous, and if I might say, a little sweaty.